Mass Affection
by Illusive Writer
Summary: A story of Tali'Zorah nar Rayya and Shepard. It is a retelling of the final events of Mass Effect 2 with attention on the (more important) romantic subplot of love.
1. Prologue

Tali'Zorah nar Rayya always noticed the sound of the elevator. Whether it was going up or down or left or right, her eyes would slowly drift up from her work. Most of the time, though, it was Grunt wobbling his way down from the mess hall for the hundredth time that day, one of the engineers returning from the restroom, or even Miranda, occasionally and randomly "checking up" on activity in the engineering hub. Tali had gotten better at distinguishing the crewmembers by nothing more than their footsteps weight or pace. Not that it mattered, though. Even the sound from the heaviest strides of Grunt did not shake her hope away. She would still stand there, hands and fingers prodding away at keys of inconsequence, hoping those footsteps would make their way through the double doors and come to rest only inches from her back.

And as the elevator touched down on the engineering bay, for Tali'Zorah nar Rayya, time slowed to a crawl once again. She listened carefully. They were light, this time. Light enough that they could not possibly belong to that half-ton of a solider, Grunt. They continued out of the elevator and to the right. Could it be Jack? She rarely left that dungeon she called her room. Possibly Miranda? No, they were a bit heavier than they should have been for that 105 pound Barbie Doll of a woman. Tali caught herself from cursing her. Could it… Could it be him? The first door slid open. _My god, is this happening again?_ She thought to herself. _He was just down here a few hours ago._ _Could he be down here again to… to see me?_ The second door slid open and made Tali's heart jump back to life. _Oh god. It's him, it has to be._ She put her head down to stare at her console. _Type Tali, look busy!_ Her fingers prodded keys, typing random words and then immediately deleting them. _Maintenance. Backspace. Flower. Backspace. Water. Backspace. Wet. Backspace. Bedroom. Backspace. _

"Tali." the voice said.

"Oh, hello, Shep…" She turned to look at him over her shoulder. "I mean, Ken. Hello Ken."

Kenneth Donnelly, one of the two other engineers of The Normandy gave her a smile as he walked past to his station. Once he was out of earshot, she let out a sigh, which became slightly mechanized by the voice emitter in her helmet. For the first time in her life, Tali thanked the gods she was stuck inside this decontamination suit. It hid her looks of utter disappointment and a few parts of disgust quite well. _Why would he use the door behind me when his station is on the other side? Dammit._ She looked back down to her console, the words _Water, Wet, _and _Bedroom_ still lingered on her screen. She had accidentally entered them into the stations search hub. Tali blushed, glancing over both her shoulders and quickly deleted them from the log. That was the last thing she needed, for that stupid AI to pop out of the wall and say _Ms. Tali'Zorah nar Rayya, I am unable to find any information on the key sequence you entered consisting of: Water. Wet. Bedroom. Please specify your inquiry to continue with the search._

_I need a damn drink._ Tali thought. She looked to her right. _Those two can handle it for now._ With the push of her button, she locked the terminal and made for the elevator. _You cant keep doing this, Tali._ She told herself. _You're letting your feelings affect your work. What if something goes wrong with the ship and someone gets hurt? What will you say to him, then? I'm sorry, I was going to install that new diffusion device but I couldn't stop thinking about what the inside of your room looks like. I would have installed the necessary shield components, but I was too busy thinking about what it would be like to feel your hands on my skin. Oh, a collector ship got the drop on us, shot through the engineering hull, and crippled our core leaving everyone to die? Well, I could have prevented that if only you wou…_

The elevator doors slid open but before Tali could walk in, he spoke to her.

"Ahh Tali, I was just coming to see you."

She lifted her head, her mouth wide open. The second time in one day she thanked her damn mask.


	2. Chapter 1

**CHAPTER 1**

In the time it took Shepard to sound a solitary footstep as he paced the medical bay, the mind of Mordin Solus had already generated and completed a series of 10 independent thoughts. The Normandy was home to many of the galaxies finest, and this Salarian doctor was no exception. His medical expertise, nearly rivaled by his ruthless proficiency in combat, had saved the crew countless times before as well as entire species. Shepard acknowledged Mordin's extreme professional dedication, although, he did not always agree with his execution.

"It cannot be anticipated, Shepard. Too many variables. Cannot adequately prepare for what will be encountered once aboard Collector Ship. Few people believe Collectors exist, let alone have knowledge of equipment." Mordin managed to piece together while flipping through page after page of his research log. "Could consider myself one of those very people before began work with you."

Shepard nodded. "I understand Mordin. I just want to make sure the crew is well suited before we make the jump. I know we've all come to terms with this being a "one-way-mission" but I can't justify anything less than hoping for the best. I know that most of the crew would feel the same way. "

Mordin smiled, "Agreed. Although chances, slim, morale needs to be heightened in order to insure best combative results. Do not forget, encountered Collector forces before. Energy weapons are typically nonstandard but defenses are less than impenetrable. Capabilities of counter measures inside mass effect area of Collector ship are unknown. However, Normandy upgrade effectiveness is… considerable. Compared to known galactic defenses, of course. Do not forget, also, that your team is loyal to you, Shepard. They believe in the mission and believe in you as their leader. In this sense, Collectors are also faced with unknown elements. "

"Our team is one of the strongest I've ever been a part of. I just want to make sure I do everything I can to keep them safe." Shepard paused for a second. I want to make sure she's safe. "You said that you believe the Collectors are not sentient. What led you to this?"

Mordin shook his head quickly, "Did not mean to imply that Collectors are not sentient. Meant to convey that Collectors are not cognizant. They can see, feel pain, but cannot think individually. Similar to a human without a higher brain. The heart beats, lungs breathe, but the individual, the soul, is gone. From observations in battle, Collectors show no interest in self-preservation and will choose to die even if there is nothing to gain. They do not communicate, they are commanded, as if by some higher authority. Similar to the early stages of Geth but even less sensible, if can be believed."

"Who… or what do you think commands them?"

"Do not know. Single leader, group of leaders, instinctual code, religious creed. Difficult to speculate. Motives and technical achievements of Collectors as a whole are more "encompassing" than mere instincts would call for, though. Unsure. Will research more."

Mordin prodded away at his terminal keys faster than the Shepard could keep count of. Sometimes he questioned whether the doctor could hold focus throughout their conversations or only entered and reentered at the portions he believed to be important. Shepard made his way over to the upgrade terminal to review what instillations had been made so far. The team had spent nearly the entirety of their scavenged elements and credit budget on upgrading the ships shields, weapons, fuel cells, and practically everything and anything that could give them the advantage in combat. Once they entered the Omega 4 relay in seek of the Collector base, there would be no turning back and only enough room left for regrets.

"Do you think our preparations will be enough, Mordin?"

"As I said, cannot accurately anticipate without better knowledge of Collector resources. However, do believe that preparations are of superior quality compared to most ships of, at least, our immediate galaxy." Mordin looked up from his terminal to see that Shepard's face, uncharacteristically, showed signs of anxiety. "Do not worry, Shepard. Heavily armored deep recognizance stealth starship or cargo frigate, neither would beat the enemy alone. The crew that comprises it, a different story."

"You're right, Mordin. Thank you."

"Anytime. Now, must get back to work, many things to do before we depart. Recommend you talk to other members of the crew, gage their feelings on what's to come. Will be here if you need me."

Shepard nodded as he made his way out and towards the elevator. The crew that comprises it, a different story. He had the utmost faith in his crew. Amongst him were the most powerful and skilled soldiers, mechanics, pilots, technicians, and biotics that he ever had the pleasure of knowing. Yet, it wasn't confidence in them, that he was lacking. Shepard never had a problem making those tough decisions the heat of battle always called for. That sort of thinking always came as second nature to him. Yet, the consequences of those decisions were always the hardest to live with. If anything went wrong with the mission, if any innocent life suffered, if any member of the team was so much as injured, Shepard blamed himself. It was his fault, a misstep or miscalculation, he wasn't fast enough, wasn't good enough, and as a result, people got hurt. That was an inevitability, more times than not, but it never made it any easier. No matter how hard you try, you can never save them all.

Commander Shepard reached out and pressed for the Engineering Deck and the elevator began its decent. Gotta start somewhere. What am I going to say to her? Hi, do you want to know what it feels like to be dead for two years? That's a good way to begin the "I want to be more than friends" talk. Just be honest, John, tell her what's on your mind. With a little luck, things will go just fine. And what if it doesn't go fine? Well…we might all be dead after this mission, anyway, so no harm done. He shook his head and laughed a bit at that morbid thought. Shepard was starting to believe that, after being legally and physically dead for two years' time before Cerberus rebuilt him, he had developed something along the lines of multiple personalities. There was the "two-years-dead Shepard" and the "two-years-in-the-future Shepard". Now, he was just working on filling in the time gap. Who knows, maybe she could help him do that.

The doors slid open and Shepard, still half trapped in his interior monologue, was met with a beautiful sight to help reminded him that he was still, indeed, sane.


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

"Shepard? What are you…? I was just… Wait, what did you say?"

"I was coming to talk to you, Tali. That is, if you're not busy at the moment." She clamped her mouth shut as her visor was beginning to fog up. "No, no, I'm not doing anything. Well, I was just a moment ago, that's not what I mean, but I just needed a quick break."

"Do you mind if I walk with you?"

"No. No, not at all." Um, it's nothing, Tali, he probably just wants to check up on the engines. Maybe he wants to make sure that everything is up and running before we start on the mission. What if he doesn't want me to be a part of it any longer? Maybe he found another engineer. Did I mess something up? Oh, you always mess something up!

Shepard caught the doors as they attempted to close. "Did you want to walk around the engineering deck or were you planning to go to the upper floors?"

Tali's inner-monologue was cut short when she realized she was still standing a few steps outside of the elevator, Shepard smiling at her. "Right, the elevator, sure."

The doors closed and Shepard pressed for level two. The doors slid closed and the elevator slowly began to rise, all the while, Tali's gaze was set straightforward. "I was hoping we could go to a room more private. Would you mind the observation deck?" Shepard asked her.

I would prefer your quarters. She turned to him, "Sure, Shepard. Is everything ok?"

"Everything is fine, Tali. There are just a few things I want to discuss with you before we… start everything."

Tali hadn't the slightest clue as to what those things would be. She assumed they were details on how Shepard wanted the controls to be configured during flight or how to respond appropriately if they encountered X, Y, or Z once they crossed the relay. Surely, she expected him to speak as a captain would to their crew. Surely, it wouldn't be personal.

The observation deck was always a bit colder than any other area of the ship. The main window, which spanned a good two thirds of the wall in front of them, always managed to radiate the chill of deep space faster than the ships internal temperature control could regulate. Although the air Tali inhaled needed to be thoroughly filtered in order to prevent any harmful viruses or bacteria from entering her immunodeficient body, the scent of old air always managed to push through.

In truth, the sight of open space was never comforting to Tali. The emptiness, the darkness, the cold, she wondered how anyone could find peace in it at all. Space could only be beautiful for those who had the comfort of looking up upon it from solid ground. For those lucky souls, the stars served only as reminder of how vast, how unfathomably large what lies beyond truly is. How blessed they are to have been birthed to such a small planet, such a small place in the universe with an even smaller part of it that they could call their home. For Tali, the void was her home, and no matter how hard she tried, she could find no comfort in living amongst the stars most would look up to over their entire lives.

"Beautiful, isnt it?" Shepard asked from beside her.

Tali bit her tongue, "…Sure."

"You don't sound convinced."

"What is it that you wanted to talk about, Shepard? You've never asked to do this before and I'm a bit nervous. Are you sure everything is ok?"

Shepard's head lowered slightly, "I'm sure, Tali. I know we have never talked before, at least not privately." He picked his head up and motioned to the empty observation room, "At least not this privately."

She let out a laugh through her nose for a moment, still not rid of her nerves.

"But this is different. I wanted to do this before we left. I don't know if it's the right thing to do and it definitely isn't the right time to do it, but I couldn't have it weighing on my mind any longer."

She still couldn't seem to shake them, "What... What are you talking about Shepard?"

"We've spent a lot time together, Tali. We've done a lot together, been through a lot together, and even before I "died", something was always different between us… as unromantic as that may sound. I don't believe in coincidence and running into you and your team during that recognizance mission after the Collector attack was no exception. To think of the feelings I had when I saw you that day…"

"Unromantic? Shepard…"

"I'm talking about us, Tali. I'm talking about me and you and whatever it is we have… if anything." He shook his head, "I don't know, maybe that's a stupid thing to say."

"It's not stupid, Shepard, not in the slightest. And if I am understanding you correctly, it is also probably the greatest thing you have ever said to me."

He looked at her for a moment, with happiness short-lived. "Is it, Tali? I can think of a handful of reasons off the top of my head that might say otherwise. I feel like this is even selfish of me to admit to you, especially right now. But, I couldn't wait, Tali. I wanted to discuss it with you when I had the chance because I was afraid I might never…"

"You can say it, Shepard. When I agreed to come along with you on this mission, I knew very well as to what the risks would be. I wouldn't have been so quick to jump aboard, had I not known them or… if I did not care much for the man in charge. You think you're alone in your feelings when in reality it was probably me who had them first."

Shepard tried his best to look into the eyes that lay past the heavy tint of the mask's visor. "If it wasn't selfish of me to admit, why did you choose to hide your feelings?"

"It's different for me, Shepard." Tali said with a lowered head.

"How is it any different?"

"…Just look." She was silent for a moment. "What can I offer you besides a slightly mechanized voice and an attractive suit pattern? It doesn't matter my feelings for you, I wouldn't ever want you to be subjected to the problems that I come with. No matter how hard I tried or how much I wanted to, I could never give you the relationship you deserved."

Shepard brought his hand under her chin and raised her gaze to him. "You are more than I deserve. From the moment I met you I knew you were different. You were strong, smart, independent, but your words always betrayed the kind heart you hold inside yourself. I never once saw a mere suit, Tali. I saw the woman you are and the things you stood for."

Under the mask ran single tear from watered eyes. She let them go freely. "I mean, the suit pattern MIGHT have had something to do with it, too. I am a bit shallow." He said with a smile as Tali hit him on the arm.

She hid her emotion from her voice as best she could, "I would kiss you right now, Shepard, if I didn't run the risk of dying."

"Sounds like a pretty fair risk for the reward, if you ask me."

"Bosh'tet." Tali, laughing mostly from bliss, cursed at him. "I guess it would be fair considering it took you single lifetime already to say these words to me."

"I came back to make sure you heard them."

Tali embraced him strongly as she closed her eyes. Even though layers separated their bodies, she felt as close to him as she ever could be. They remained there for minutes, as the distant lights of stars and planets floated gently by. She let the worries and fears of the future slip from her mind as the feelings of regret and hate of her past faded away. This moment was a perfect moment, and for the first time in her life, Tali'Zorah finally realized, from this point on, she could call any particular point in space, her home.


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3 **

The elevator rumbled to a halt at the main deck of the Normandy. Kelly turned, as she always did, to cheerfully greet whichever member of the crew walked out onto the floor. Commander Shepard emerged from the doors quicker than they could fully open, a sense of urgency or annoyance in his step, she could not determine. "Hello commander! The Illusive Man would like-"

"I've heard, Kelly. EDI let me know while I was on the crew deck. I'm heading there now."

Annoyance. Definitely, annoyance. She still managed a smile as he walked past her through the medical bay doors, making his way to the communications room. Shepard _was _annoyed. Not only did he generally dislike his "talks" with The Illusive Man, but he also managed to call for him at the most inconvenient times, today being no exception. As soon as Shepard found himself relaxed, maybe even at peace in the embrace of Tali'Zorah, EDI projected herself from a console by the door and urged him to report to the COM room as soon as possible. Shepard understood that EDI was probably unfamiliar with the idea of knocking before entering a room, but still, he couldn't manage to rid his voice of irritation.

After apologizing to Tali and promising that they would continue their conversation from the exact place they left off, he made his way down to the lower floor. Tali would remain in the observation room for quite some time after he left, no doubt lost in thought about what exactly she was feeling and what exactly those feelings would mean for the both of them. Shepard found himself lost within the same thoughts, the same emotions and feelings. Surly, the decision to share them with her wasn't free of question. The entire crew would be in danger the moment they made the jump through the relay, and all Shepard could think about was personal feelings, his own emotions and desires. How selfish for him to put others' lives as risk for something as silly as a crush.

He shook his head. It was more than that. It was more than that because it had to be. Sheppard knew it was the moment he saw her again, heard her voice speak his name, and locked eyes through her tinted visor. Who was he to argue against the timing of love? Maybe it was more than mere coincidence that lead Tali to find her way on board his ship once more. Maybe they both were exactly what the other needed, and the words they spoke, exactly what the other needed to hear. Right or wrong, he couldn't deny the feelings that seemed to surface every moment he found himself by her side. A nervousness, a feeling of vulnerability that he rarely experienced over his life on the battlefield. It made him feel alive.

Shepard made his way through the COM room and stepped into the holographic projection field. Lasers slowly traced his outline from head to toe. If he was to be honest with himself, the thought that this mission may very well be his last was nothing less than a comfort. What better death could one possibly hope for when compared to what he and the crew were planning to accomplish? They could stop a galactic war and quite possibly the extinction of the human race. What are a few lives when compared to the lives of so many? Even if it was his own. Shepard had experienced death, technically speaking. It wasn't bad. Granted he couldn't remember much of it. When he awoke on that table within the Cerberus facility, it had felt to him as if he had awoken from a long nights rest. No dreams that he could recall and no nightmares, either. If those were all the consequences death had to boast of, Shepard was neither impressed or afraid. The quiet of death paled in comparison to the horrors of life that he had become all too used of seeing. So, if given the chance, why run from it any longer?

These were his thoughts before she returned. Now, every time he stared into her eyes, all he felt was fear, something Shepard hadn't felt in a long time. The thought of losing her all over again was unbearable. And certainly, this time, he would not expect to be born again for a third time. Now, he feared death. He desired to live, rather, to spend as much time as he could by her side. Perhaps with only the hope that he could make her life just a bit better and perhaps, she could make his a bit better, too. Maybe there was less strength in taking comfort in death than Shepard had thought. Yes, to die for another is truly a noble act, there is no denying. Yet, what if we choose to _live_ for another? To deny these feelings he had towards her, although they screamed so loudly and clearly beneath his skin, felt almost cruel, heartless. And if he couldn't even listen to something so fundamentally human as the feeling of love, what would he have become?

"Shepard."

He snapped out of his thoughts, and with a few moments of thought and quick look around, called back to him. "You wanted to speak to me?"

The Illusive Man sat in the center of a large, dark, and empty area, his back turned towards Shepard. The only illumination came from a strange planet-like object, which floated in space beyond the room's large glass wall. A mixture of red and blue vapors clashed like whirlwinds of fire and ice amongst the planet's surface. A thin line of smoke rose from where the Illusive Man sat. Never once had Shepard seen him without a light cigarette.

"EDI informs me that she is well on her way to successfully decoding the Reaper IFF. If things continue on pace, the Normandy will be equipped to make the jump through the Omega 4 Relay within a few days."

Shepard nodded, "I know. I have asked EDI to keep me updated as things progress."

The smoke continued to rise from the chair, which vanished into the darkened air above their heads. The Illusive Man sat in silence for a few moments before speaking to Shepard. "How are you and your crew preparing for the mission? I assume everyone you brought on board is fully aware of not only the importance, but the risk of your assignment, as well."

"Each member of my crew knows as much about the mission as I do. They are here willingly. I made the danger of our undertaking just as clear as the meaning."

"That's good, Shepard. I knew I could count on you to assemble a force strong enough to get the job done."

Shepard crossed his arms, "I rather have you save your congratulations for when we return. Is there something else you wanted to talk to me about?"

The Illusive man took another drag from his cigarette, long and deep. Shepard could hear the quiet crackle of the burn. "I only wanted to see how you felt about everything. I wanted to get an idea of how things were going beyond mere speculation. I know you think otherwise, but there is a limit to how much information I can acquire from afar."

"It's nothing more than a waiting game, at this point. When EDI gives the word, we will be ready." Shepard told him.

"I have to admire your confidence, Sheapard. Not many would be able to face a threat as strong as The Collectors with such… sureness." Finally, The Illusive Man turned to him. Shepard found difficulty looking into the man's eyes. His irises seemed to be traced by a glowing mechanical circuit. Cold and blue, as if it allowed him to see past what others could not. He spoke again. "It seems that, being brought back from death, you truly have nothing left to lose."

Shepard stood in silence. "That, Shepard, is the one true commonality between the most dangerous men in the universe. If a man does not fear death, when what is there left to kill?" The fire on the end of his cigarette ran down to the filter. As the smoke escaped from his mouth and nose, "It would be wise for you to remember that."


	5. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

Not a day passed without both Tali's and The Illusive Man's conversations weighing on Shepard mind. And oh, how each day seemed longer than the last. EDI had told him upon the capture of the Reaper IFF that she anticipated it would be possible to decode its technology in under 72 hours. That was almost two weeks ago now, and Shepard was beginning to wonder if fate had purposefully planned this downtime for him to feel the impact of his decision to open up to Tali. They hadn't talked once since the evening in the observation room. Shepard couldn't even bring himself to so much as visit the engineering deck during routine hours. Instead, he would wait until most of the crew had finished for the evening and retired to their quarters before he made his rounds around the lower floors. Not that he had much left to do, anyway. Not that any of them had much left to do, except wait, think, and die.

He leaned over and turned off the music in his cabin. The slow babble of the fish tank's filter replaced it. That was yet another _unsettling _difference this new Normandy brought along with it. Their old ship, as old and inferior as it appeared now, always felt more of a home to Shepard, and the current ship, more of a hotel. There were certain things about its imperfection. Certain quirks that made it come alive. The lighting on this new Normandy, for starters, was too bright. The whole ship shone and glowed so intensely that sometimes Shepard was forced to squint as he walked from corridor to corridor. The old lighting reminded Shepard of a room lit by a lamp or two, which was just the right amount of illumination, he reasoned. When the entire ship was surrounded by the complete darkness of space from morning until evening, less was sometimes more.

Another thing that bothered him was the smell. Each area of the ship, the bridge, his private quarters, the bathroom, the lower decks, the kitchen, the lab, virtually every single nook and cranny, smelt exactly the same. It wasn't a pleasing smell, either, at least to him. It smelt almost _too_ clean, as if a permanent sent of ammonia lined each and every structure aboard the ship. Shepard always instructed for the main hatch to be left ajar when they visited safe, life sustaining planets and docks, in hopes of replacing the clean scented air with something a bit more alive.

The slow mechanical whine of the fish tank's feeder pushed its way into Shepard's attention. Perhaps the most frustrating and unsettling of all the ships peculiarities, it was too quiet. With the exception of the bridge, which was only brought to life by the sound of the crew's various console inputs and quiet chatter, each area carried a deafening silence. Even the engineering bay, which contained the ships core, was almost completely inaudible while at cruising speed. The outreaches of the ship such as the armory, medical bay, and crew's quarters, were all completely void of noise. The walls, instead of generously bouncing sound back to the listeners, seemed to absorb everything thrown upon it, creating a dull, muted aura that followed from room to room. It was as if the death of deep space was slowly creeping through the ship's exterior.

Shepard's private quarters were no exception, and without the quiet sound of his stereo, fish tank, or his space hamster's squeak, he would have surely gone mad months ago. The tank's feeder droned on in a low hum, which broke its way into his awareness once more. Only this time, it was growing louder and louder. Shepard picked his head up from his bed, expecting to see pounds of fish food falling into the water as a result of a malfunctioning motor. The sound grew louder and louder until Shepard realized that feeder had stopped minutes ago. He heard the elevator come to a halt, the doors open, and the footsteps of a delicate figure slowly making their way towards his door. Shepard rubbed his eyes as his heart beat a bit faster. He reasoned that this was the best place to continue their talk.

"Shepard, I need to speak with you for a moment," She called through the opening door, not bothering to knock. From the threshold, she stopped herself short.

"I'm sorry commander, I should have knocked…"

Shepard rose up from his bed and made his way over to her. "It's fine, Miranda, I just needed to lie down for minutes." He made his way over to over to her, disguising the disappointment in his voice quite well. "Is everything ok? You seem upset."

"I'm fine, do you mind if I sit?" She gestured towards the couch.

He shrugged and walked towards it, taking a seat himself. "Not a problem."

She found a place across from him and folder her arms and legs.

Shepard paused. "… What is on your mind, Miranda?"

"The Illusive Man has asked me to keep an eye on you."

He let out a laugh through his nose, "I've know that since the day we started on this mission."

"I mean he's just asked me to do so again a few days ago."

Shepard was silent. "And ever since he had brought it to my attention, I've been seeing less and less of you. Every time I ask Kelly, she tells me that you've been held up in your quarters for 'quite some time' doing god knows what. So what IS going on, Shepard? Any day now, EDI can be finished decoding this IFF, we can be embarking on this damn suicide mission, and you, our commander, are nowhere to be found. Think of the crew, Shepard, they need you to be there for them. We all do."

"I've been fine Miranda. There are just a lot of things on my mind, lately, which I'm sure is true for most of us."

"The things that I've been dealing with internally about this mission have long since bothered me. I've come to terms with everything, made my peace. Nothing you have held inside of you for the months leading up to these final few days could have this big of an impact on you. I've never seen you like this, Shepard, and I've been studying you since you've been dead."

"I guess there is only so much you can learn from a dead person."

Miranda's face showed no hint of amusement. "If this is something you want to deal with on your own, then so be it, but I have never known Commander Shepard to ball up in the face of danger." She pushed herself up from her seat and began to make her way out. "EDI should be finished within the next couple of days so I suggest you try your best to prepare the ship, the crew, or even your own damn self for what's to come."

It was as if she expected to provoke him, make him come alive, return fire, or at least call back to her with the words she used. When she reached his door without so much as a word from him, she stopped herself. "We are all here for the mission, Shepard. We are all here because we know of its importance and acknowledge that our cause is bigger than we are. You are not responsible for anyone else, in the end. You simply cannot be. I know you will give it your all, as you always do, but you can't ask more of yourself than that. How this all plays out, Shepard, what becomes of me, you, everyone, will never be in the hands of a single man."

She turned to him, "Not even you, John. You are a good man but not a god. So be the best you can be and pray for the sight to see the truth in what comes from this. We all trust you, Shepard, every single one of us. We wouldn't be here otherwise. So, please, don't abandon us now."

Without a response from him, Miranda turned to leave. The doors slid shut and the elevator droned its way into the lower floors. Shepard fell back onto his back, closed his eyes, and listened deeply. He followed her footsteps through the doors and to the right, past the tables and the kitchen and into her office. But instead of the slight creaking of her desk chair and the quiet clicks of her keyboard, he heard the soft cushion of her own bed mixed with the loud clashing of her thoughts. He could hear Garrus, slowly researching and tweaking his modifications, double-checking his calculations, never once stopping to breathe. Grunt walked anxiously from wall to wall, huffing and puffing in what some would think of as a blind rage. Yet, all that he seemed to wonder is why he would be born so late in his life only to die so quickly. Jack sat quietly beneath it all, yet still within earshot of Shepard. How she wished to be separated, so far removed from all the others. When in truth, all she was looking for was a home close to the core, the belly of ship, so she may finally feel the safety and warmth she craved so much. He could hear Jacob, too, and Mordin and Joker and Kelly and every single crewmember aboard the Normandy.

How they were all so different, so unique in personality and appearance. They came from all parts of the universe, light years from one another, most with different languages, customs, foods, gods, pasts, and completely different lives. A collection of misfit aliens aboard a ship that was doomed to die. Yet, despite their differences, they all agreed to travel the same road willingly. That is what Shepard could hear loud and clear through the thick walls of this godforsaken ship, a lone note that they held over a never-ending breath, which pierced through the thickest of medals and the furthest of space. Yes, they all were afraid of what was to come. They all hoped that tomorrow would not be their last today. But they sat amongst each other, nonetheless, united by justice and purpose, standing bravely against the unknown that lay beyond the relay.

And there she was, as alone and afraid as any of them. Exiled from her home world, without friend or family, and isolated from the man who opened his heart just to slam the door as she walked through. And here he sat, alone and conflicted, only mere floors away from the solution. It was love that had brought her back to him through the seemingly infinite space of the galaxy. It was love that had given him a second chance, a second life. And it was love that made him want to _live_, only with the hopes of finally giving Tali'Zorah a new place she could call home.


End file.
